The Back-Story

 Hey there! My name is Amara Gilraine and I have been a personal trainer for over 6 years. I competed in Strongman and Powerlifting back in my stronger days and have always had a love for movement. My strength journey started as a way to help recover from an eating disorder that I almost died from in my early 20's. 

**TW: I will be talking a lot about my experience recovering from an Eating Disorder on this blog. I won't ever go into detail, and I promise to do my best to only share the absolutely essential information for context. However, if hearing about someone else's experience is triggering for you, you may want to skip this post!**  

Strength training did help me recover physically, but I struggled mentally for many years. I looked "healthy", so everyone thought I was just really dedicated to fitness. It was a socially acceptable form of disordered eating and exercising. In fact, I didn't even realize how much dieting and exercise controlled my life until I woke up one day in May of 2018 and out of the blue everything changed. 

I was emerging from under the rubble of a divorce and reevaluating everything about my life. I was turning 25 in a few short weeks, and suddenly living alone allowed me to actually reflect on what I was doing. Everything that I had silenced and pushed down, all of the emotions I had suppressed and distracted myself from became inescapable. I wasn't happy. I thought about my life over the last 5 years and realized that I hadn't done anything outside of the gym in half a decade. I was over a quarter of the way through my life and I had so much left I wanted to experience. My obsession with dieting and weight lifting had robbed me of all joy. I couldn't skip workouts without intense anxiety, I couldn't go out to dinner with friends (I didn't even have any at this point) because it might not fit my "macros", I was spending 16-18 hours per week in the gym NOT including my full time work as a personal trainer. I was too tired or too sore to actually participate in life. In that moment, I knew what I had to do. 

I had to break up with the gym. So I did. I challenged myself to a 40 day break from lifting weights, and committed to finding as many outdoor activities as I could for the rest of that year. I deleted my calorie counting apps, looked in the mirror and said to myself, "Whatever happens to my body happens. I trust you". 

This was the beginning of my "Trust Fall". Trying to control my body into submission wasn't working. My health was a disaster, I was miserable physically and mentally. I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of my disorder even though I "looked" fine. I was desperate for friends and meaningful connection. I was done living a half-life.

On that gorgeous sunny day in May of 2018, it very much felt like pushing off of a cliff and falling into the unknown. I had to let go of all sense of control if I ever wanted to experience freedom. 

I adventured wildly for the rest of the year. I felt so alive. I learned how to rock climb, I made friends with strangers (this probably isn't the smartest thing, but I have an alarming lack of stranger danger and tbh it's a miracle I haven't been "disappeared"). I tried surfing, I picked up a job doing tree service (more on this later) while I took a break from full-time personal training. I climbed trees, went out to bars, went on dates, explored Indiana and other states. It was a beautiful in-between phase of figuring out what I wanted my life to look like.

I was suspended in the air of excitement and new experiences. However, what goes up...must come down. 

In February of 2019, I found out I was pregnant. My whole heart shattered. I NEVER wanted to be a mom. In fact, I went as far as to end a marriage over it (not the only reason it ended, but definitely a big part of it). I had only known my boyfriend at the time for 2 months and we both agreed we never wanted kids, a house or a dog. This was one of the first conversations we ever had. This. Was. Not. The. Plan. 

After the initial shock settled down (I was told I could never even have kids) and I came to terms with the situation, I had to confront my past with disordered eating and exercising again. "How will I cope with my body changing?", "Can I even handle this mentally?", "What if my body is 'ruined'?" were all questions that were popping up in my mind. I remember holding the positive test in my hand while looking at myself in my bathroom mirror. Tears filled my eyes because I knew that if I went through with this, I would never see the same reflection again. Was it worth it?

The answer: Yes. It was worth it. I decided to keep my baby and he is now almost 20 months old. During my pregnancy, I had to remind myself often that "whatever happens to my body happens. I trust you.". I leaned into intuitive eating even more and I promised myself I would not force exercising if I didn't feel like it. I didn't strength train at all during pregnancy. I swam almost everyday and went for walks when I felt like it. My body was begging for rest, and for once in my life, I listened. 

I ended up losing pretty much all of my muscle and strength during my pregnancy. This has been probably the hardest thing to cope with postpartum. I used to be REALLY strong. Like, exceptionally strong. My obsession with strength was definitely an over compensation from being so weak and frail during my early 20's.

My entire identity was rooted in being physically capable. In being a trainer. In overcoming all the odds and statistics and accelling in strength sports. I remember when I was really ill, I couldn't even walk up stairs without needing to take a break. I remember struggling to pick up laundry baskets full of clothes. I remember being too weak to walk across a college campus. I never wanted to return to feeling so helpless, but I also didn't want to return to being all-consumed by the pursuit of strength. Would I ever be able to find a balance? 

It's taken 2 1/2 years, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. Being strong is important to me. Being fully present in my life is important to me. Maintaining freedom from disordered thinking is important to me. 

The reason I am detailing my return to strength training on a blog is that I know so many women struggle with the same things. I have so much experience in the fitness industry, and while I'm not dying to return to it, I don't want to waste my knowledge either. I've done the mental work to repair my relationship with food and exercise, and I want to be able to share what has helped me with others. Life is too short to live in a gym and to only eat chicken and rice. You can absolutely have a full, vibrant life, free from dysfunctional thinking around food and exercise. 

I'm not a mental health professional, so please be sure that you seek appropriate care if you think you need it. But I have lived through this experience and made it to the other side. While I certainly still struggle sometimes, there are key things I have learned that I think are really valuable. It all starts with a Trust Fall. 

So if you read the whole thing, thank you! I know blogs are so 2012, but Instagram only allows 2000 characters and I'm a long-winded individual lol. 

-Amara